Body Image

"Look at that little lady!"

"Midget!"

"Look at that little, fat man!"

"Look at that little Grandma!" (that's the most recent, and the one that freaked me out the most!)

These are just a sample of some of the things I hear on a regular basis.

I have to admit that my own body image is something I have struggled with for quite a long time. Not so much now I am older. There's just something so incredibly liberating about being 40-something, but God I wish I had've had this when I was younger! At first I was going to write, "...when I was younger and it mattered more." but then I realised that it doesn't matter how old you get or what life-stage you're at, your self image is important.

I've found it hard maintaining a healthy self/body image, especially when being constantly bombarded with what society thinks is perfection and even more so when you really, really don't fit into that image at all. Add to that people noticing you because of that difference and thinking it's their duty to point it out to you and make sure every day that you know you're different and you'll find that getting and maintaining a healthy level of self-love and self-acceptance can be quite an uphill battle.

Funny thing is, I can't remember having this struggle as a child. I wasn't even aware that I was different. I knew I was shorter than average, but the significance of that didn't hit me at all. I just was. I didn't wish to be anything else. I guess it was during those tumultuous teenage years where hormones were going crazy that the realisation suddenly dawned on me that this. was. it. I was always going to be "this" short. I was never going to be that tall, leggy girl with amazing hair and great teeth. I was going to be noticed but not in the way that tall, leggy girl with amazing hair and great teeth was going to be noticed. I was going to be noticed in a way I didn't want to be.

And so the body image struggle began.

Not a lot of people really know this but I struggled with my body image so much that I developed an eating disorder that stayed with me for the better part of ten years. At my lowest point I weighed a tiny 31kg (68.2lb or 4.9 stone) at age 23. Even at 117cm (or 3 ft 10in), this is a very tiny weight for a 23 year old woman. I exercised like one posessed and fed myself very little. People would remark how good I was looking - even our specialists were pleased with my tiny frame! However I knew the mental battle that was going on. I knew what it was costing me to be that. I didn't want to live like that, so I got help. It wasn't the greatest help, but it was help all the same. I think the biggest catalyst for me getting on the road to recovery was that I wanted to get better, rather than becoming well because of anything a counselor or therapist could tell me.

Getting better, I've found, isn't a destination. It's a journey without an end. Am I better than I was? Yes. Am I totally and completely well? No. The struggle still remains but it's something I'm always working on and will continue to work on.

How do I do it?

Over the years I have spent many hours talking to counselors; chewing the fat, thrashing things out, exploring the heights and the depths of what makes me tick. Some of them helpful, one who was a waste of my time and theirs. It takes a while until you find someone you're comfortable with. Search until you find someone who really listens, who lets you discover the path you want to take and then helps you explore that path.

I've also learned to listen to my body and mind. What does it need? What do I need? Do I need to just sit on the couch at home watching movies for the day and not deal with the world today? Am I ok enough to get out there and do my thing and fight the good fight today? Do I really need that lovely, greasy McChicken? (oh believe me, some days I DO!) Do I need that time out, away from family, away from friends, away from the responsibilities? When I listen to my body and mind and give it what it needs I find I am a lot stronger both physically and mentally.

I've learned that it's ok to say that some days, I hate this. It's not good to always go around with a smiley face, telling everyone I'm fine, that I'm happy, that I'm coping, that I'm brave. Some days I do hate this. Some days I hate being up for public discussion and ridicule. Some days it's hard that life didn't turn out like I hoped. It's OK to SAY that! It's ok to open up to your closest relatives and friends and say that life sucks. A burden shared is a burden halved. I always feel a little lighter when I've let someone help me carry some of the load sometimes. It doesn't change anything, but it assures me that I'm not alone and there are people there on the sidelines who are cheering me on, have my back covered and are on my side.

I've discovered the benefits of a healthy, active lifestyle. At the moment I regularly walk, jog and swim. Since doing these things, my body is stronger, my head is clearer and my attitude is more positive. I'm a firm believer in the idea, "Move it or lose it!" You're more likely to see me using the stairs at the station, rather than the escalators. Every little bit helps. When I first started jogging, I could only jog for about 100 metres before I needed to walk, now I regularly jog about 3km a few times a week. Throughout the whole run I argue with myself:

"I can't do this!"

"Yes you can!"

"But I'm tired! I'll just go to that corner!"

"You can go further than that!"

"Ok, but I'll just go to the NEXT corner!"

"Imagine how good you'll feel when this is finished."

By the end of it my legs are protesting, but the natural high I get at the end of a run is more than worth it. My cardio fitness has improved so much. I'm more toned and I feel strong. My weight consistently stays at 38kg, no matter what. It wants to be this weight. I don't gain, I don't lose. I stay here. I like it here, and for the first time ever I realise that I am comfortable in my own skin. Most days I am ok with being 40-something and 117cm. I won't say I love it. I won't say I wouldn't want to be different, but I accept it and nurture this body as much as it deserves to be nurtured.

At the moment, everything is working just as it should be and I hope this is the case for the rest of my life. I also know that all this could change. My spine could betray me one day and I could end up needing surgery. If this is the case, I will accept that too. I will welcome that weelchair or scooter as a means of keeping me active and independent. I've seen the independence and freedom that wheelchairs have given to my daughters so I know how awesome they can be.

I wish my 20 year old self could have known what this 40-something year old me knows, but the journey in getting here, although hard, was worth it. I'm glad for all the lessons I've learned on the road.