Loving your teen

You know how you have a blog post churning around in your head that is so different from anything else you've ever posted? Well, this is one of those. It's partly to do with being short statured, a lot of what it was to be younger me and a real lot to do with Christianity, faith and the reconciling of all of these within my own heart.

This post started forming when we had a visit from some friends in hospital. Christian friends. Friends we have had for a very long time. I love these people as though they were my own family, so this is in no way a criticism of them but rather the result of some heavy duty thinking in my brain space.

The daughter of my friend is the same age as my youngest so they have grown up together. She has recently acquired a boyfriend - a lovely young guy, friendly, polite, thoughtful. He's the kind of guy you would want your young teenage daughter to be with. I'm happy for them both - actually everyone is.

Having said that though there is much talk surrounding remaining chaste before marriage. They are chaperoned and there have been instructions not to even exchange a kiss before the age of eighteen. (she is not quite 16) Again, I have no issue with this and respect the wishes of the parents. As a parent myself though, I don't expect my almost-sixteen-year-old daughter to comply with these standards. In an ideal world, sure! It would be lovely to think that the first time she sleeps with her love will be on their wedding night, but I'm also a bit of a realist. My only hope is that she has one partner. Ever. Maybe that's me being an idealist.....

When I was a teen I remember going to church youth events where the main focus was on staying chaste and pure. No holding hands, no kissing, no touching and definitely, undoubtedly, no sex. Whatsoever. We had the fear of God put within us.

The trouble was there rwas so much focus put on keeping us all on the straight and narrow that there was no talk about what to fill the gap with. There was no talk about how important it was to love your teenager, how important it was for fathers to tell their teenage daughters how beautiful they were, to hug them, to cherish them. We. Just. Had. To. Be. Good! We were watched and told not to do it!

My parents loved me. I know they did. I have no doubt about it. They did the very best they could with what they knew. They tried to do the right thing and I will respect them and love them for all time because of that. But we weren't a huggy family. We weren't even big on "I love you".

And I needed hugs. Oh how I needed hugs. I needed to be told I was beautiful, or pretty, or lovely, or special....because all my other average sized friends were being asked out and were getting boyfriends and I wasn't. And I felt just like them. There were certain boys at school that I "loved" so much I though I would die but being different, there was no way they thought of me in "that" way. So I needed my Dad to hug me and tell me that I was pretty. But he didn't.....even though I KNOW he thought so. He was just a private man, self conscious. So he didn't tell me and I silently yearned for someone to hold me and tell me I was beautiful.

And then I met him...and he did all those things....and for once in my young life I felt beautiful and special and wanted and really, really loved in all those ways a girl wants to be loved. And, even though I thought I would go to hell (because that's basically what I grew up to believe), I slept with him at the tender age of almost-nineteen because I thought that an eternity in hell was a fair price to pay for the wonder of being loved and wanted and feeling beautiful. I didn't care. I honestly didn't care. I was loved. Or so I thought.

So when I hear these Christian parents laying down the law for their teen kids I can't help but think, "Yes, but what are you replacing those "No's" with? Are you loving your kids? Are you hugging them? Fathers, are you telling your little girl that she's the most beautiful girl in the world? Does she know that she's the apple of your eye? Are you getting to know them? Giving them time? Letting them tell you their hopes and dreams?"

And when you really think about it, is loving someone like that the worst your teen can do?

I know that doing all of the above is no guarantee that our teens will remain chaste until they are married. I kind of don't expect it anymore, but I do believe that it will go well towards helping them make more informed and thought out choices rather than simply giving themselves away because they are so desperate to be loved and cherished and feel special to that one special someone. I kind of have a feeling it may have helped me a little back then.....

P.S. LOVE YOU MUM AND DAD!!!