Taking the time and that little two letter word.

I have honored myself with a day off work today. Initially I struggled with taking the day off but I realised deep down that I needed it. I put so much pressure on myself to keep to the rules, be everything for everybody and make sure everyone is happy that eventually I have a weekend like the one just gone where I'm constantly teary, say yes to things and then resent it and am just generally a basket case.

So this morning I thought I'd just make myself the priority and let myself stay home. I called work and said I wasn't coming in, nor was I coming in on Wednesday because I have a "specialist appointment" (I'm seeing my counsellor). I have slowly done things, putting things in order in the house and have my music playing in the background. Right now I can hear the lazy tones of Mr Mark Knopfler. It's calming. Oops! Now we have "I was made for loving you" by KISS. Talk about chalk and cheese!

I think part of my relapse is due to the fact that I have been unable to get out jogging for the past few days. I'm carrying some kind of calf injury. It's really quite painful actually, as though the muscle is in constant spasm. I should really get it looked at. So, I haven't been jogging, but I've taken the bike out once and was swooped by psycho magpies twice. They seem to hate my red helmet! This morning I walked around my jogging track three times, finishing with a light jog at the end. It wasn't too bad.

I've realised how much physical exercise has really been instrumental in maintaining a sense of well being and positivity. Maybe it has to do with releasing emotional tension through the movement. I know I'm very focussed when I jog; concentrating on my breathing and maintaining a good rhythm, so I think that helps my mind have a rest from all the ruminations it makes for the rest of the day!

Over the weekend I also realised how important it is to feel that I can say "No" without feeling guilty. I feel incredible guilt if I don't say yes to my kids in regards to taking them where they need to go. As a result, my weekends and days off are filled with trips in the car to social engagements and shopping trips. There's a story as to why my kids don't drive as yet, but I'm not going into it. All you need to know is that right now I am the designated driver. For the most part, I don't mind but there does come a time where I need to just have a day or a weekend at home, without having to get behind the wheel at all, because if I don't I end up being the blubbering, teary mess I was over the weekend, wondering when I'm going to get a break.

Therefore, if I need a break then I need to say NO and feel ok about saying it. There are plenty of wheelchair-accessible buses around this area, we have cards for taxis so that we're only charged a subsidised rate (normally half the regular fare). It's not as though the kids are totally house-bound without me.

No. Such a little word. Such a simple word, but oh so difficult to say sometimes! I think I might have to practice.

(and it's ok to do so! Sometimes.)