Here I am, negotiating new and unchartered waters. I think I have actually paddled in these waters before; dipping my feet in, testing them and then running back to the safety of the shoreline. I kept running back to the shore even though I knew that what was there wasn't something I really liked. Funny how you stick with a situation just because you know it so well. It may not be what you want, it may not be comfortable, but you stick with it because it's familiar; you know it. You know how it works, or doesn't work. You stick with the uncomfortable familiar because launching out into the unknown seems to be a scarier option.
So, here I am...in the Sea of Separated Marriage-hood and surviving quite well thank you very much. I think reality hit me with a lump of four by two on Sunday night and, after realising that this was it and things were never going to change, I had a cry, squared my shoulders and got on with it. I took hold of the tiller, set my sails and chartered a new course. When I accepted the role of captain of my own life I began to feel a peace I hadn't felt in a while. I'm no longer waiting around for something that's never going to happen. I'm making things happen for myself.
The amazing thing I've found out here in these new waters is that it's not as stormy as I thought it was going to be. The winds aren't blowing, the sky isn't falling and my boat is not about to sink. On the contrary, things seem to be quite smooth. I'm not angry anymore. I'm not filled with bitterness, in fact I wish my ex-husband (that's the first time I've called him that) well. I know he doesn't think many positive things about me anymore, but for some reason I am no longer hurt. I know who I am and I know my intentions. I'm not too sure of my destination as yet, maybe there won't even be one. Maybe I'll just keep sailing and learning and growing and it will become more about the journey, rather than setting my eyes on a particular destination. Who knows what's around the corner anyway?
For the first time in a very long while, I am peaceful and content. Life is simple and full of simple pleasures.
I'm not afraid anymore.
For me, it's been 16 years since I set out on that particular boat. It's never quite been a cruise ship, at times more like a dinghy, but it's never collapsed and at times the journey has been simply lovely; I know I'm a better person now than I was back then and life is good. I hope the same for you. Take care of yourself.
ReplyDeleteLeisa I am so damn happy for you!!!
ReplyDeleteI have no doubt that you will find peace, a happiness that you didn't even know possible as well as realize what a terrific woman you are!
It's all positive. That is not to say that there won't be some rough waters at times but you will find that you can ride them much more easily in all this positive now. And your children will thrive seeing mom so happy and content.
This was such a great post to read! YAY!!
Hi Leisa.
ReplyDeleteWhat a brave post ... and good on you for making this decision. While I am sure some days might suck the good ones will be so worth it. And I like your line about being peaceful and content, just wonderful!