A year of breaths

Dearest Stell',

I've taken a years worth of breaths.

When you left us so suddenly a year ago I could hear you from the in-between.

"Breathe Leis'.......just breathe."

So I did.

Not a single day has gone by this year where you haven't flitted across my thoughts at least once. Every single time I have sighed because I miss you more than I can ever express but smiled because I am so incredibly grateful to have counted you as a friend.

I've needed to talk to you so many times this year Stell'. There's been so many things I've wanted to share with you; things that would've made your face crinkle up with excitement in the way I loved so much.  I've wanted to ask your advice, get your perspective on things and tell you what I've been up to. It's been a rough year Stell'. I'm not going to pretend it hasn't been, but all throughout I've grown and learned and become more confident in my ability to handle what life's thrown at me. I've kept on breathing. Sometimes that's all I could do.

I'm getting proud Stell. Maybe not in the way people see the pride that you spoke about, but I've become proud of myself and everything it encompasses. I feel as though I've landed in my skin and finally appreciated this little body for everything it is rather than hating it for everything it isn't.  I'm alone, but I'm not lonely.  I thought I'd shrivel up and die being alone Stell, but I haven't. I think you'd be pretty chuffed with that news.

I can't ever see myself as being an outspoken and passionate disability rights activist as you were, but each time I am out and about being me, practicing my pride and doing things I love without hesitating worrying about what people are thinking, I know I'm moving forward. Sometimes change is small and comes from within. Thank you Stell, for opening my eyes to change.

I still smile like crazy when I hear Uptown Funk. I still feel you stroking my hand sometimes, especially when it approaches the anniversary of Chloe's long stint in hospital. I still feel your presence as I walk past the Art Gallery and remember the time you, Maddy, Sarah and I went to see the Picasso exhibition and one of the guards thought that Maddy was our carer. I still hear you shout out, "Crips ahoy!" when I see a group of people in wheelchairs. Every single memory makes me smile. To know you was to love you Stell.....and I really, really loved you.

I promise you that I'll breathe through another year, and then another....and some more after that. I'll keep practicing, I'll keep celebrating and I'll keep loving life, sucking the very marrow out of it (in spite of being a vegetarian!) in the same way you did. You may not have had many years Stell, but you LIVED. You really, really lived...and it's the thing I remember and loved about you the most. While you were here you LIVED.

Miss you Stell. Always will. xxx