Now what?

I'm at the kid's place getting some washing done. We don't have a washing machine at the new digs yet so it's a case of waiting until the pile is big enough and then heading around here to get it done. I should hand wash, seeing that it's summer and all, but....no.

Days have taken on a somewhat lazy, surreal feeling. I'm still struggling to work out what this new role is and I guess it's been harder given that I'm also on a month's leave from work so don't have a regular schedule to keep, nor a specific role to fill. I've finished a season of In Treatment, two seasons of Game of Thrones and completed several knitted squares for a blanket I decided to make. My housework is normally finished by 11am and then everything done in the evening by 8pm.

Now what?

They don't really tell you about this end of parenting; that place where they're all grown and you look at each other and say, "Now what?"

I know there's a whole new world out there just waiting to be explored but how can you explore when you're still only just finding your feet and battling with the inexplicable guilt that you should be inviting your offspring places you're thinking of going or checking in with them to see if they need anything? I know that this too, shall pass but whilst I'm in the thick of it it's a very confusing and, dare I say it, lonely place to be.

I miss them. I really do. I know they're doing quite well without me, thank you very much, and my heart rejoices at the thought of that. Truth is, I'm the one struggling with it all, not quite knowing what new planet I've landed on. I've been some kind of mother since I was 19 years old. It's been strange kind of not being one all of a sudden.

Was I ready? Heck, truth be told I really wasn't ready to be a mother when I first became one, but I've always been good at being thrown in at the deep end and working out how to swim, so I guess I'll work out this aspect of it all too.