Wanderlust

"I want adventure in the great wide somewhere."

Belle - Disney's Beauty and the Beast.

Back to the mundane sameness of the everyday.

I sit here in the train and wonder again who I am, where I'm going and what my dreams are. I seem to have lost my Leisa-ness somewhere. That wide-eyed hippy girl (yes, I still think of myself as a girl) enamored with the amazing-ness of life, contented to just potter amongst the veggies, create new things and just sit and breathe seems to have flitted off somewhere, replaced by this person who is again so bogged down by sameness, overwhelmed with the "have to's" and so very, very bored.

Disappointed is the word that comes to mind. I'm disappointed that I have once again slipped into this funk without warning. 

As usual I have tried to analyse this and what I kind of think is that I have had too many fingers in too many pies and have been too busy. I haven't been able to just centre in at home and breathe. Being centred is a very necessary part of my mental and physical health. It's well known that I am a homebody. Nothing makes me happier than pottering about at home; putting things in order, making my space (our space) a place of order and calm and peace. Over the course of this year I haven't been able to do that at all. Too much going on. Too many things jumping out from left of centre to cope with, deal with and manage. 

My mind is cast back to about eighteen months ago when everything seemed to be flowing smoothly. The house was neat, ordered, clean. Everything was done by 8:30pm - including a wipeover and disinfecting of all bathroom surfaces, vacuuming, mopping of the floor and all laundry. We had healthy dinners at the table. 

These days I can't remember the last time the bathrooms were cleaned. The animal hair and dietrus lies thick on the floor and the carpet, people fossick in the laundry basket for clean clothes and mealtimes are pretty much, "Get your own and come and eat it at the coffee table in front of the TV." I don't function well like this. I'm functioning, but not well. I don't feel grounded, I don't feel connected to the earth and those around me. I no longer know where I'm going and what I want. 

I've always said that the state of my physical environment is a direct reflection of the state of my inner world. 

Still, there are a lot of exciting things happening out there and I am a part of them and happy to be a part of them...but my heart is longing for quieter, simple times and my mind is starting to plan towards how to make that happen once again. I'm thinking of taking the entire month of January off work. A whole month of reconnection and reflection seems like balm to my soul even just thinking about it.