Disconnection

*This post is an excerpt of a diary entry I wrote earlier today*

My ways of thinking have changed so dramatically over the past two years, but I do find myself wondering if these patterns of thought and belief were laying dormant all along and I'd only been conditioned to think and act the way I did because it was the accepted way? It makes me almost long for another child and do things differently; not being bound by so many "right" things but rather, choose the way of instinct and listening to my heart and choosing more natural ways of doing things. Don't get me wrong, most things I did just fine but there were some things I did because it was expected. These days I find myself wondering if I would vaccinate, if I would choose PGD with IVF, if I would send a child to kinder or school?

It's Sunday morning and I'm still feeling niggles of guilt that I haven't gone to a place of worship. There's still the fear of "you should be there" but I know that this is only the residual guilt of not doing what I was taught was the "right" way to do things. The sheer thought of entering that noisy auditorium with its loud music and people jumping around and singing just fills me with dread and I know I simply. Can. Not. Do. That. Anymore. I just want to go to a beach and walk along in the clean, salty air with the wind in my face and the sound of the ocean in my ears and feel connected to Something or Someone that's so infinitely more than I could even imagine and know that I am somehow part of some greater plan. It's in times like that where I know I'm okay and loved and acceptable just as I am rather than fitting into some cookie cutter mould of what being a "Christian" is and what faith looks like.

Having said all that though I find I long for the companionship and connection with like minded souls. I still am very much a loner - mostly happy with that, but sometimes longing for more. I'm looking forward to spending time with my sister at Dancing Ground and hoping to also connect with another online friend who shares similar thoughts to me in regards to spiritual matters. I am nervous about being amongst new people though. J and I had a conversation recently about my nervousness around other people and he said that in the beginning I came across as confident and friendly, chatting to new people with an openness he doesn't see anymore. I realised that my social phobia has developed over the years from the message "we don't want you" that seemed to reflect back from groups and people I held in good esteem. Eventually my self confidence was shot and I became the more reclusive Leisa you see today.

This is why my "Take 5" internet show is such a positive challenge for me. Akash is just throwing me in there without preparation; making me talk to people I've never met and know nothing about. It forces me to make conversation, ask questions, give feedback and learn to enquire. It forces me to come out of myself. The people involved in the show say I'm a natural at it but I'm not. No one knows how much work it takes. At the same time though I'm glad for the work and I'm glad for the feedback because it helps me see that I'm on the right track and I getting better at being an interactive human. (sounds like a brand of toy that's made by Mattel!)